Lovely July Day

Today was the hottest day of the week, at least according to the forecast Sunday night.  Our really good friends, Linda and Chris B., invited us to spend the day at AB lake with them.  They didn't need to ask twice!  Luckily we were also able to be accompanied by my good friend, Michelle McG., and later in the evening by my manly Matt!

It was such a nice day.  When it seemed a little too hot, a swim in the lake or run through the splash park quickly cooled you down.  There was a slight breeze throughout the day that kept things from getting unbearable.  Lots of time to chat with friends, both old and new.  Linda's parents, brother and his family also came to the lake, and wouldn't you know it but Michelle knew them too, having gone to school with them while she was growing up!  Such a small world!  We spent over 71/2 hours at the lake and it was awesome.  Matthew brought a delicious dinner of pizza and slurpees; so healthy, I know.  I will get back into my kitchen to cook, it's just always such a challenge with the heat.

After E's scare at the mall yesterday, part of my plan today was to get her into the water.  She really does get quite panicky in deep water.  She latches on and is very difficult to pry off.  I purchased a boogie board last night in an attempt to give her something large and somewhat more stable to hold onto while in deeper water, in addition to her chest/arm floaty thing.  The first time we went out to the deeper part of the lake, she basically cried the entire time.  She can float on her own in her little floaty vest but it's not a true PFD so I made sure to keep hold of her the entire time, plus she was pretty upset when she wasn't thisclose to me.  She was crying quite a bit.  I ended up holding her away at arms length and quietly telling her to stop crying because it was hurting my ears.  When she was able to be calm, I would let her hold onto my neck as I treaded water.  Once she started crying loudly again, I would have to hold her away and have her focus on calming down and not crying.  We were probably out for about 10 minutes, with little success at having any real quiet time.  I felt bad and asked Michelle if she thought I was doing the wrong thing by keeping her out in the deeper water when she kept asking to be done and crying.  She assured me (thank you, Michelle!) that I was doing the right thing and trying to help her learn to be calm in the water was important.

After our first attempt in the deeper water, we went back to the umbrella, dried off and E played in the sand with some of the toys I'd brought.  E is such a friendly little girl; she tried to play with other little kids who were nearby.   I love how E can walk up to other little boys and girls and try and play with them.  It makes me happy that she's outgoing and friendly.

A quick snack and water break later, and E was ready to go tackle the spray park.  One thing I can say that I like better about our community vs AB is that our splash park is much more toddler friendly because of the style of sprayers available. Regardless E still loved it!  We chased each other in and around  the splash park, giggling and just having fun.  Linda and Michelle joined in on the fun too!  The water wasn't too cold and it was fun to play together.

Towels, sunscreen and water brought up back to our spot on the beach.  It was great to have so many pairs of eyes to help watch little E while I texted Matt and asked him to pick up dinner before joining us on the beach.  Linda's family were great; they had a sweet little girl who played with E, which allowed me time to sit and chat with the others for a bit.  They played so nicely with one another.  When I went to play with E in the sand, she kept stepping on the sand castles I would build, turning it into a game of sorts.  We would both work on filling up the bucket, patting the top of it to get it flat, then turning the bucket over and patting the bottom of the bucket to dislodge the "castle" inside.  E would then stand up and proceed to try to step on the castle while I did my best to prevent her by growling and barking at her.  Sadly my methods didn't have as much success as her quick little feet, but the laughter and joy were well worth the work of rebuilding.

We tried for a second swim just before Matt was due to arrive with dinner.  Michelle opted to stay out and keep dry, so we grabbed the board and vest and headed out.  Almost immediately E started to say she didn't want to go, but I really wanted her to try again.  This attempt was marginally more successful.  There were points when, with her arms wrapped tightly around my neck, we could look around at the birds flying and the people boating and paddle boarding and talk about what we were seeing.  She still cried, I had to hold her away at times, but she did do better.  I was very proud of her and kept praising her on being calm.  Chris and Zack, his son, joined us halfway through which also helped provide a distraction.  I wonder what they thought of my training methods...?

Change of clothes, a dry diaper, sunscreen and we were ready as daddy joined us with the dinner he'd brought.  It was totally unhealthy but so yummy.  E really enjoyed her pizza and occasional sips of her mum and dad's slurpee.  It was a fun picnic on the beach.  After dinner E and her dad went to play on the swings and then the splash park while Michelle and I chatted.  It was nice to have that break.  It's a lot of work to be a parent, especially when you need to keep such a close eye on your child.  Having Michelle and Linda there did lighten the load, but you always have to aware of where they are, what they're doing and who's around them.  I'm thankful to have Matt as my partner in parenting E.  I can't imagine how much more difficult and tiring it would be to always be the one having to watch without a break.  Being able to lay in the sun, laughing at the pictures of the day and chatting about nothing was a great gift Matthew gave me.

The final swim of the evening was just the three of us.  There was a marked improvement in E as compared to our first one earlier that day!  Seriously, she laughed at times.  At one point, she was on her front while I was on my back below her, holding her close to my chest.  I started kicking my legs to pull her around and she started laughing and kicking her legs.  I pretended to be surprised that she was "kicking" me which made her giggle and kick more.  As we kicked and swam around, I slowly extended my arms out so that she was further away and she was having too much fun kicking mummy to notice!  Daddy and her then practiced kicking and swimming in the same way, which also resulted in giggles, but she was calm and even enjoying herself.  She did still cry at some points, but there was a definite improvement.  As I was paddling back in, with her on my back, she was quietly holding on and looking around as I talked about the various things we were seeing; two little boys swimming near us, the birds flying overhead, the clouds in the sky, the people in canoes and on paddle boards and so on, really just trying to get her to see the things going on around her and to see that other people were in the water and having fun too.  I was really proud of her for being more calm this time.

It was a great day at the beach.  We are so blessed to have such great friends who invite us to join them.  Someone had posted that the temperature got up to 35 degrees today.  It didn't seem that hot, which was a blessing for sure!

Bubbles at the beach!

Soupy sand

Here Daddy!

loving the pizza  

She loves her Dad
especially when he gives her pizza and slurpees!

A ripe nectarine was the perfect snack.  Yum!

Cuddles after a swim

Just a quick dip...

Today while we were at the mall, E fell into the fountain.  Time stopped as I watched her slip underwater and freeze, face down.  Why is it that during moments like that, time seems to slow down?  Every millisecond felt like minutes.  I was quick to pull her out but it was still so scary to see her facedown in that stupid fountain.  After pulling her out, she sputtered a little bit and then started to really shriek and cry.  It was so sad.  I held her close as she screamed, trying to calm her down, totally unaware of what was going on around us.  She was shivering and crying so hard, it was really upsetting for the both of us.  As I pulled her away to look her over and make sure she hadn't hit her head or anything, I noticed another mom had stopped beside us and asked if there was anything she could do.  I really appreciated that she asked and wanted to help.  Unfortunately I don't think she had a towel or change of clothes handy...

Once E had calmed down a little bit, I inspected her fully to see if she was okay.  She had a little mark on her chin where it must have hit the bottom of the fountain, but other than blue lips and shivering, she seemed fine.  I couldn't carry her and push the stroller, so walked to a nearby children's clothing store to get her a new outfit pronto.  How lucky were we that she decided to take an impromptu swim in a mall, where we could semi-quickly get her a change of clothes?!?!!  She kept crying, repeating that she was cold and that she'd fallen into the water as we walked.  Once inside the store, she was distracted by one of the displays.  I was looking through a rack to find her size when a man approached me.  He asked if I was the mom of the little girl who'd fallen into the fountain.  Confused I answered that I was.  He then held out a towel to me.  He explained that he had laughed when he had seen her go in, but had then felt terrible when he saw how upset she was.  He had wanted to help and so he went and bought a towel to help her get warm.  He must have just gone to the Disney store nearby and purchased it.  I was so surprised and touched at his thoughtfulness.  I told him that I too laughed, at least inside, when I knew she was breathing and okay.  He didn't want any money for the towel, just wanted to help.  His kindness truly brightened my day.  I hugged him and thanked him.  Wrapping E up in the towel, she finally fully stopped crying and whimpering and seemed to calm down.  In word and in deed, this man served and loved a stranger.  He acted the good samaritan to my little girl, and I'm so thankful for it.  I wish I had thought to get his name or number to at least send him a card.  That towel will always have a special story for how we got it.  E calls it her "princess book" towel because it has a princess on it, like her princess sticker book.  She doesn't quite understand the difference between a towel and book, but it doesn't matter.  While I was finishing picking out her new outfit, now that I had a little more time since she was warmer and calmer, E came over carrying a shirt she had chosen; a princess t-shrt.  And so it begins.  I had hoped to avoid the princess stuff, but she loves it.  And if it makes her happy, so what?  She is, after all, a daughter of a heavenly king, so why shouldn't she like being a princess, right?

Something that has stuck out to me about this experience, other than the amazing generosity and kindness of a stranger, is that I need to do something about E and water.  Last year, E had slipped and fallen down in a friends kiddie pool and had the same reaction; freezing up and not moving or trying to flip over or stand up.  This is the second time I've seen her have this reaction and I just don't like the trend I'm seeing.  For FHE this past Monday night, our friend let us into their community lake to go for a family swim.  E was definitely freaked about being in the deep water.  I had thought maybe it was just because it was cooler than she liked, but I'm not so sure anymore.  I need to do something about this, maybe get her into lessons or something.  I wouldn't be a responsible parent if I didn't help her learn a lifesaving skill that she obviously needs.  I will have to look into it, maybe even get it done before we head out to the Shuswap this summer.

So, that was one of the exciting parts of our day today.  I feel so much gratitude to my Heavenly Father that she is alright and that nothing serious had happened.  I'm so grateful and truly humbled by the generosity of that kind man.  Feeling very blessed in so many ways!

On another note, we walked through the new house this evening and it is finally starting to feel like it's real, and not just some drawings on paper.  Getting pumped, for sure!

Standing beside the scene of the crime

Wrapped up in her "princess book" towel, finally calm

Fancy new outfit!

Hanging out in the new kitchen

Standing at the front door

Matt really wanted to wear the pink helmet...

Zzzzzzzz

One of the issues I've been dealing with since my miscarriage has been insomnia.  There is nothing more frustrating to be ready and wanting to sleep, feeling the fatigue and weariness in your body, and then helplessly lying awake in bed, unable to get a good, solid night's sleep.  I miss sleeping.  I miss the feeling of waking up alert and ready for the day ahead.  The last three months have been made more difficult by the lack of sleep.  I can understand why sleep deprivation is considered a very effective form of torture.

I first experienced insomnia while I was in University.  Coincidentally, that was also around the time I was first diagnosed with depression.  We were living in a small, cramped, dark basement apartment.  I had just started the Education program.  Evenings and weekdays were spent working at my three jobs; Blockbuster, Superstore and teaching fitness classes.  Yet what seemed to be the tipping point was when my Nana passed away.  Admittedly, I hadn't seen my Nana since I was very young, and only wrote to her two to three times a year, but her death really hit me hard.  It was such an emotional, overwhelming and stressful time in my life.  I guess it's really not surprising, all things considered.  After consulting with my doctor, I went on anti-depressant medication and sleeping pills.  When we were able to, we moved to a different apartment and I quit my jobs at Blockbuster and Superstore.  All those things combined helped to alleviate the depression and insomnia somewhat.  It was hard to admit to family or friends how much I was struggling.  Immense feelings of shame and guilt that I'd somehow failed kept me from sharing the struggles I was having.  

Fast-forward to present-day.  Sitting up, laying down, reading, watching TV, 0 stretching, blogging and knitting my way through the nighttime hours.  I can't seem to pinpoint what it is that might act as a trigger or cause.  I've tried keeping a pad of paper beside the bed to write down whatever might be on my mind.  I've practiced breathing, meditation and relaxation exercises.  I've listened to guided relaxation recordings.  Struggled through the day to not take an afternoon nap, stopped eating after 8pm.  Cut out Coke and other caffeinated foods.  Tried taking a warm bath before bed.  Not had any electronic devices on for at least an hour prior to bedtime, and on, and on.  Nothing has seemed to  bring relief.  Not even the medication I used to take seems to help this time through.  More and more each day, I'm feeling dragged down and exhausted, struggling to do the tasks that need to be done.

It is so hard to function on minimal sleep.  Usually I will finally fall asleep between 3-5 in the morning. To make things worse, it's not often a restful sleep; being woken up by hubby's random snoring, a crying baby, being too hot and sweating, the furnace turning on, nightmares and so on.  Miss E wakes up for the day anytime between 6:30-10.  I know her sleep schedule is horrible too, which adds to my guilt.  She can be in her crib, jumping around, talking and just staying awake for 2-3 hours after being put down for the night.  I really want to get my own sleep schedule back on track, so I can help get hers back on track.  One thing I haven't tried with her, and myself, is to have a scheduled wake up time in the mornings.  When I finally get to sleep, I'd rather sleep for as long as I can until E wakes me up.  There's nothing worse than staring at the clock, knowing you should be sleeping because you will be waking up in a few short hours, and just not being able to do so.  Frustrating.

I feel like I'm stuck in a negative feedback loop or cycle.  So many areas in our life is being impacted by this.  It's hard for me to get up and do things most days, because I'm so tired.  I'm so tired because I'm not getting up and doing things!  Around and around I go, with no stop in sight.  I have really been digging deep into our freezer for the meals I've had stored away in there.  So thankful for that preparation and foresight.  I actually hadn't realized what I had in my freezer until I became desperate the other day and couldn't face trying to make a meal.  There are some good days, where I can get items accomplished like running an errand, going grocery shopping or making meals.  Thankfully when I cook it's often in bulk, so that I can store one or two meals while still having one leftover.  Yet for the most part, especially since Christmas, I've stayed at home each day and struggled to get any motivation or energy to get up and do things.  I don't like this.  I'm not happy.  I want to change but I don't know how.  I know my insomnia is tied to my depression.  Man, this is not how I wanted the new year to begin.  

I'm starting to feel a little sleepy, so I'm going to go try and lay down again.