One of the issues I've been dealing with since my miscarriage has been insomnia. There is nothing more frustrating to be ready and wanting to sleep, feeling the fatigue and weariness in your body, and then helplessly lying awake in bed, unable to get a good, solid night's sleep. I miss sleeping. I miss the feeling of waking up alert and ready for the day ahead. The last three months have been made more difficult by the lack of sleep. I can understand why sleep deprivation is considered a very effective form of torture.
I first experienced insomnia while I was in University. Coincidentally, that was also around the time I was first diagnosed with depression. We were living in a small, cramped, dark basement apartment. I had just started the Education program. Evenings and weekdays were spent working at my three jobs; Blockbuster, Superstore and teaching fitness classes. Yet what seemed to be the tipping point was when my Nana passed away. Admittedly, I hadn't seen my Nana since I was very young, and only wrote to her two to three times a year, but her death really hit me hard. It was such an emotional, overwhelming and stressful time in my life. I guess it's really not surprising, all things considered. After consulting with my doctor, I went on anti-depressant medication and sleeping pills. When we were able to, we moved to a different apartment and I quit my jobs at Blockbuster and Superstore. All those things combined helped to alleviate the depression and insomnia somewhat. It was hard to admit to family or friends how much I was struggling. Immense feelings of shame and guilt that I'd somehow failed kept me from sharing the struggles I was having.
Fast-forward to present-day. Sitting up, laying down, reading, watching TV, 0 stretching, blogging and knitting my way through the nighttime hours. I can't seem to pinpoint what it is that might act as a trigger or cause. I've tried keeping a pad of paper beside the bed to write down whatever might be on my mind. I've practiced breathing, meditation and relaxation exercises. I've listened to guided relaxation recordings. Struggled through the day to not take an afternoon nap, stopped eating after 8pm. Cut out Coke and other caffeinated foods. Tried taking a warm bath before bed. Not had any electronic devices on for at least an hour prior to bedtime, and on, and on. Nothing has seemed to bring relief. Not even the medication I used to take seems to help this time through. More and more each day, I'm feeling dragged down and exhausted, struggling to do the tasks that need to be done.
It is so hard to function on minimal sleep. Usually I will finally fall asleep between 3-5 in the morning. To make things worse, it's not often a restful sleep; being woken up by hubby's random snoring, a crying baby, being too hot and sweating, the furnace turning on, nightmares and so on. Miss E wakes up for the day anytime between 6:30-10. I know her sleep schedule is horrible too, which adds to my guilt. She can be in her crib, jumping around, talking and just staying awake for 2-3 hours after being put down for the night. I really want to get my own sleep schedule back on track, so I can help get hers back on track. One thing I haven't tried with her, and myself, is to have a scheduled wake up time in the mornings. When I finally get to sleep, I'd rather sleep for as long as I can until E wakes me up. There's nothing worse than staring at the clock, knowing you should be sleeping because you will be waking up in a few short hours, and just not being able to do so. Frustrating.
I feel like I'm stuck in a negative feedback loop or cycle. So many areas in our life is being impacted by this. It's hard for me to get up and do things most days, because I'm so tired. I'm so tired because I'm not getting up and doing things! Around and around I go, with no stop in sight. I have really been digging deep into our freezer for the meals I've had stored away in there. So thankful for that preparation and foresight. I actually hadn't realized what I had in my freezer until I became desperate the other day and couldn't face trying to make a meal. There are some good days, where I can get items accomplished like running an errand, going grocery shopping or making meals. Thankfully when I cook it's often in bulk, so that I can store one or two meals while still having one leftover. Yet for the most part, especially since Christmas, I've stayed at home each day and struggled to get any motivation or energy to get up and do things. I don't like this. I'm not happy. I want to change but I don't know how. I know my insomnia is tied to my depression. Man, this is not how I wanted the new year to begin.
I'm starting to feel a little sleepy, so I'm going to go try and lay down again.
