Hair removal

So, today was my first day out of the house, and basically out of bed since Sunday.  I had asked Matt to go to Costco, but decided I wanted to go too. As we were driving in the car, I realized I hadn't brushed my hair since Monday... Well, at least I've showered most days and brushed my teeth regularly, so I figure it was better than nothing.  Today E hadn't fallen asleep for her nap, instead choosing to play in her crib for the past two and a half hours.  So of course, she started falling asleep on the drive, and was basically fully asleep when we arrived.  Rather than trying to force her to sit up in the cart, I offered to carry her (and get some nice snuggles) while we walked. We had a quick return to do, than went around to the entrance.  Before even getting into the store, I started lagging behind.  She is a petite little girl, but surprisingly heavy for any extended length of time if you're carrying her.  I tried resting her on my arms, while they rested on the handle, but it didn't help.  Thankfully she had kind of woken up by then, so Matt transferred her into the cart, and I got to push it around the store, wishing they had wheelchairs. Like, for real, Costco is huge and I was knackered by the time we got home, actually passing out after putting E down for the night.  

This miscarriage has been a lot different than my last one.  A way to describe it would be by using a hair removal analogy, which I know most of my readers will understand.  My first miscarriage was like having a Brazilian wax done.  Now, I need to be honest in saying that I've never actually had a full Brazilian wax job done, but have waxed in that general area and have an idea of the sensations involved.  The first miscarriage was like a Brazilian for a number of key factors: the pain was very intense and sharp but relatively brief in time; lasting probably for around 8-10 hours total.  Now, I'm talking about the pain you experience when you're actually passing the material.  It's basically labour, with contractions and everything, just relatively smaller items as compared to a full term baby.  But once the pain was over, except for that secondary blip a few days later for the last large portion, passing all the material was over and done relatively quickly. These features are all true of a Brazilian; sharp and intense pain but it's over and done quickly. 

This miscarriage , on the other hand, was like shaving with an old, dull razor; you know the kind, where you have to go over multiple spots again and again to get everything?  The pain was a constant, dull and persistent deep ache in my lower back and abdomen, similar to intense period cramps, which lasted from Sunday-day to about Friday morning.  The only relief I could find was in the T3s every four hours,  my hands or a pillow putting pressure on my lower tummy, and my heating pad pressed firmly against my lower back.  Now the annoying thing about my heating pad is that it has an automatic shut off every 30 minutes, which meant that I was constantly having to turn it back on.  My sleep was really impacted because I'd either wake up from the pain because the Tylenol had worn off or because the heating pad had turned off.  It was horrible. The length of time it took for everything to pass through and out of me (at least I really hope it's all gone!) was a LOT longer as well.  I started passing material on Sunday and didn't stop until Thursday afternoon; 5 whole days!  Somebody had tried to suggest, I'm sure from a position of being loving and caring, that I go for a walk and get some exercise.  This was entirely impossible to do because of the randomly timed pieces of tissue coming out, requiring I be in close proximity to a restroom,the need to be attached to my heating pad to find relief for my back pain and the fact that I was really woozy from the medication, and in the later days, from the blood loss.  I was really surprised that it was taking so long, and ended up calling health link Thursday morning for advice.  Now, anyone who's ever called health link will know that their knee-jerk reaction is to tell a person to go see a doctor, and this call was no different.  The nurse was very concerned about how long it was taking and said I needed to go in to the hospital right away, especially when I'd told her about my other symptoms, and that it was very likely they would need to perform a D&C.  But I just couldn't do it. I did not want to go back to the hospital because of how the last experience had gone.  I just really couldn't face that.  I made a deal with myself that if nothing changed, I would go first thing Friday morning.  Luckily, the last piece of tissue I passed was late Thursday afternoon, and I did not have to go back to that horrid hospital.  So, just like using a dull, old razor, this miscarriage took a long, LONG time and although not as painful as having a Brazilian, the "razor burn" was still intense and entirely unpleasant.  

About the middle of the week I'd started noticing how extra tired I felt, getting winded quite easily.  Walking up and down the stairs takes considerable more effort and I have to use the banister to help pull myself up.  I have to be careful when I stand up to not move too quickly, otherwise I get super lightheaded and need to sit down again.  I've had lot of head rushes from moving too quickly, and have had to sit down on the floor randomly to get back control of my body.  Bending over, moving around and concentrating on tasks is tricky. I just really can't believe how worn out I feel.  It's frustrating feeling so useless. When I was talking to a friend who'd come to visit, she mentioned that I probably needed to go to the doctor for iron supplements because of all the blood loss.  Duh!  That made so much sense. That will be one more thing to do next week.

I have been so blessed during this experience because of the good people in our life.  We have had delicious meals brought to our home, yummy treats and snacks, flowers sent, cards and notes dropped off, and countless messages and phone calls of support.  I truly have felt each day the prayers of my friends and family buoying me up.  I've been especially grateful to those good sisters who have volunteered to watch E for me during the days.  Getting her out of bed in the morning and dressing her leaves me exhausted.  Walking down those stairs,often with her in my arms since she seems to be in a phase of wanting to be carried down, leaves me on the couch for at least twenty minutes just trying to recover.  Then, getting up and pulling together a healthy breakfast takes up the last of my energy.  Matthew, the good man that he is, has often been doing a lot of the prep work for her breakfast the night before, leaving me with fewer steps in the morning.  I just feel so bad that I can't get up and play with her, or take her out to the park.  Having these good women come and help me has meant so much to me, and made me feel so supported.  It's been really frustrating and overwhelming, how I'm feeling physically, and I feel bad about asking for help because I don't want to inconvenience others and force them into doing something they might not want to do.  It's really tough asking for help, for me, and it makes me that much more grateful that my most of my friends have responded so lovingly and without judgement.  Thank you, truly. 

As well, I need to say how grateful I've been for Matthew through this whole experience! That man truly is an exceptional human being and an amazing partner,  I feel so blessed that The Lord saw fit to let me have him for my husband.  He has been by my side and with me through it all.  He has cried with me and shared my grief, lamenting the loss of our baby.  He has been my champion and guardian.  He has done everything he could think of, and everything I've asked of him, to help me find comfort throughout this ordeal.  He's gone out in search of my beloved cherry Danishes, he's rubbed my back, held me while I cried, massaged my feet to help me sleep, handled all the household chores, taken care of E as soon as he gets in the door, left work in the middle of the day when I needed him,  and just all around been an amazing guy.  He is a good man.  

I do have to say that I'm really nervous about the upcoming week.  I kind of set a goal in my head that I would try and get back to my "normal" activities starting Tuesday, but if today has been any indication, I'm not sure if I'll be there. I'm going to try a do a little bit at a time and just do my best.  I think the thing that will be hardest to do will be giving myself permission to say no and take the rest that I need, rather than just pushing through.