Hope

Darn it, this is not what I'd intended for this blog!  For the record, I have a couple of posts that I'd started but hadn't edited and therefore didn't put up.  I still intend to, but unfortunately more pressing items of note have arisen.  This blog is a way for me to share what's happened in my family the last few days...

Note of order: It's been tricky trying to protect the privacy of others by using nicknames and acronyms for them.  I will no longer do so unless instructed to by the individual.  Honestly, it was just so confusing to edit and keep everyone straight.

We found out I was pregnant in and around the third week in September.  I had been feeling really tired with really sore boobs (beware of TMI!), and when my period didn't arrive, I began to suspect something...  It was exciting yet also a little scary.  We were nervous because of losing the last baby.  As the days went by, my anxiety increased because it seemed so similar to my last pregnancy, with very little nausea or other symptoms other than super sore boobs and being tired.  The last Sunday in September was a fast Sunday, and we shared the news with a few close friends and asked them to join us in fasting that this baby would be alright and that the pregnancy would go well.

This past Friday, I was starting to feel really run down, more than usual.  I attributed it to being a really busy week, seeing as I'd started substitute teaching (yeah!) again.  Saturday was a pretty relaxed day, watching general conference, snuggling with Miss E and planning her birthday dinner for the next day.  When I went to the bathroom at 4, I noticed blood on the tissue after wiping.  Everything in me froze.   Not again.  I called out to Matthew and started to cry.  I had no cramping and didn't feel that terrible.  I laid in bed and just stared at the wall, stunned.  Matthew meanwhile was feeding little E and waiting for me to let him know what I wanted to do.  Going to the hospital was the obvious choice but I was so scared to find out what was going on and have things confirmed.  We texted Erin to see if she would once again watch E while we went to the hospital.  Poor Erin!  This is the 2nd general conference weekend in a ROW where we've asked her to watch E for us, for the exact same reason.  I hope for so many reasons that this pattern does not repeat a third time.  Thankfully Erin is an amazing friend, and after having had to break the news that I was pregnant and may be having a miscarriage, she was quick to let us know she would watch E for us.  Matt got E ready for bed and her potential sleepover, while I rested and tried to stay calm.

We dropped off E just after 7:30 and proceeded to the hospital.  After being admitted in the ER, they took us to unit 76, which is where they send anyone who's pregnant.  My nurse, Steph, was great at making me feel as comfortable as possible given the situation and answered the questions I had.  The room itself was awesome!  Each patient gets their own private room, with a built-in bed for dads to spend the night and your very own bathroom with a shower, stocked with those glorious white, one-size-fits-ALL panties and pads.  I guess the room is the labour, delivery and recovery room combined.  Much nicer and less stressful, not having to worry about transferring all your stuff from room to room.  I told Matthew it kind of felt like an American hospital with everything being all fancy and new.

After about an hour, which featured blood being drawn and quietly talking with Matthew, Dr Zakariasen came in to talk to us and get an idea of what was going on.  She was lovely.  She was very warm, kind and you could tell she cared about me and what I was experiencing.  Just the kind of doctor you want in a situation like this.  She did a pelvic exam and gave us the first bit of good news.  She said the cervix was closed and it appeared that there was no active bleeding.  She wanted to send me for an ultrasound, just to confirm things.  It was such a relief to think that maybe I had gotten upset about this a little too quickly, and that it was just some spotting, which happens.  The ultrasound would be in a little while, as I had to drink all the fluid necessary and it was apparently a busy night. Matt grabbed me a snack from the kitchenette down the hall and we watched tv while we waited, checking in on E to see how she was faring.  Of course, E was doing just fine and had snuggled with Erin while watching a movie before going to bed.  It took a lot of weight off our shoulders to know our girl was safe and being loved and cared for.

Our sweet girl with her amazing dayhome-mommy, the incomparable Erin!

At about 10:20 a page came to wheel me down for the ultrasound.  Sitting around in the hospital in that little gown had gotten me quite cold, and the ride through the breezy halls with bare legs chilled me further.  Luckily the ultrasound room was nice and warm.  After finding out when my last missed period was, she said I was 7w2d pregnant.  The young technician was friendly and kind, commending me on my full bladder.  Matthew said he remembered her from the last time we were there, but I couldn't recall.  It's strange having an ultrasound in the hospital because there's no corresponding monitor for you to see what's going on.  I just alternately stared at Matthew and the young lady's face, trying to "read" what I could from their expressions.  The external ultrasound didn't show anything, which I wasn't surprised by, so I got to go empty my bladder (YES!) and have the pleasure of an internal ultrasound (ugh!).  Again, that young lady was so professional and kind.  For that one, I just stared at her face, but she gave nothing away as she clicked on the keyboard and did her job.  She asked once again if I was sure about my dates and when my last period had been.  I've always been very vigilant about tracking my periods since I was in probably grade 9 or 10, using a star and "PS" on the start dates.  I assured her the dates were correct, seeing as I had my iphone in my hand, with my calendar open.  Once she was finished, she turned the monitor and explained what I was looking at.  She pointed out the yolk sac, a dark circular shape on a field of fuzzy white, and said that it was measuring at 5w2d rather than 7w2d, which is why she had asked me to be sure I had my dates right.  When she mentioned that the measurements were smaller than they should be for how far along I was, my heart started to pound, becoming awashed in cold sweat.  I clearly remember the last ultrasound I had, where the technician at that appointment had repeatedly questioned me about my dates because that baby was significantly smaller than it should have been, as well.  The technician then reassured me that it could very well still be a viable pregnancy, since many babies begin that way.  The yolk sac was still located high in the uterus, not down near the opening of the cervix, which could indicate a miscarriage, and also that there was very little blood on the wand when she had removed it.  Everything appeared to be fine.  As an interesting side note, I asked her why they call it a yolk sac, when it was my understanding that humans didn't actually have one.  I remember learning in biology 30 that humans didn't have one and I was confused that she was calling it that.  She then proceeded to explain that human embryos in fact do utilize a yolk sac to use as energy until the placenta develops around the 12th week or so, right around the same time that the yolk sac is depleted. So interesting.  You really appreciate the miracle of the human body, eh?  But once again, I digress...
Back into the hallway we went to await a page to wheel us back upstairs to our room.  An observant, and pregnant, young nurse observed us waiting and offered to get me a warm blanket.  Yes please!  Being once again ensconced within the warm folds, we went back upstairs, considerably more reassured than before that things were going to be okay.  Upon returning, the doctor came to our room within 10 minutes or so to find out what had gone on.  Dr Z said that spotting can happen in a pregnancy but it doesn't always indicate that there are problems.  I inquired about how a person can have a baby at this hospital, since it was new.  She said she could take me, or I could ask my family doctor to refer me to the Avenida clinic.  Of course, I told her that if she would be willing, I would love to see her again.  She then advised me to see her in 2 weeks, after getting an ultrasound and blood tests done.  I was cleared to teach my fitness classes and engage in my normal activities.  Most of my fears were assuaged.  I was discharged by 11:30 and we were on our way to pick up E.

After arriving home, I sat in my rocking chair and held E while she slept, finding solace in her nearness and peaceful slumber.  It had been such a scary day, and although we weren't necessarily out of the wood's, I felt much better after going to the hospital. 

Little did I know how similar this weekend was going to be in repeating itself from the previous general conference weekend...